wanna hear a joke

[Survivor]

omg lol
HELLO? Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone? No, daddy, shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul. After a brief pause, Daddy says, But honey, you dont have an Uncle Paul. Oh yes I do, and hes upstairs in the room with Mommy right now. Brief pause. Uh, OK then, I want you to put the phone down and run upstairs and knock on the door and shout that Daddys car just pulled up. Ok da...ddy just a minute. A few min later, the girl comes back to the phone. I did it Daddy. And what happened honey? Well, Mommy jumped out of bed naked and ran around screaming, then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isnt moving at all! Oh my God!! What about your Uncle Paul? He jumped out the back window into the pool. But I guess he didnt know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it and I think hes dead! Really long pause. Then
Daddy says, Swimming pool? Uh..Is this 558-5732?
The girl says, No I think you have the wrong number

[Survivor]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the heck up!

[Survivor]

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they
found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that
he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved!
Let's thank him for sharing!"
She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won first prize!"

[Survivor]

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her name--they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Dear God," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a
Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money.

So I did."
·

[Survivor]

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar.

At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman for all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I've tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, but best of all is that I took her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”

The priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!” Please tell us what you're planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm gonna go get her."

[Survivor]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

[Survivor]

A pig walks into a bar and orders a beer. After drinking it, he hops off the bar stool, pees on the floor and leaves.
Another pig comes in, drinks his beer, pees on the floor and leaves.
A third and forth piggy come in and do the same exact thing.
Finally, a fifth piggy comes in to the bar and orders a beer. After finishing his beer, he gets off the bar stool and begins to walk out the door.
Before reaching the door, the bartender yells – “Hey Pig…aren’t you going to pee on the floor like the others?”
To which the pig replies – “No you idiot! Everyone knows that the last little piggy goes WEE WEE WEE – all the way home!

[Survivor]

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Fred and his wife,Diane, listened to the

instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things

that are important to each other.." He then addressed the men, 'Can you

name and describe your wife's favorite flower?' Fred leaned over,

touched Diane’s arm gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal All-Purpose,

isn't it?' And thus began Fred’s life of

celibacy.

[Survivor]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.


Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.


The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaning that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."


The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.


Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.


The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.Shared with love

[Survivor]

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.