wanna hear a joke

[Survivor]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
He heard nothing more, after a bit. So, he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires. Clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
He shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? And just who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed.. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus."

[Survivor]

Met an older woman at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter combo.
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mum, you still awake

[Survivor]

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'
The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'
God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'
God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful
little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'

[Survivor]

Here's a groaner for ya.....LOL

One day these three rats were standing outside of a food store and one of the rats got an idea.

He said "OK this is what we're gonna do, we'll run inside, get as much cheese as we can and we'll meet back here."

So they do it and when they get back the first rat asks the second rat "what kind of cheese did you get?" and he says "American" which makes the rats very pleased as it's one of their favorites.

Then the second rat asks the first rat "what kind of cheese did you get?" and he replies "Cheddar", which again pleases the rats.

So then the first two rats ask the third rat "what kind of cheese did you get?" to which he replies "Nacho Cheese"

"Nacho Cheese" said the other two rats. "There's no such thing as Nacho Cheese".

And the third rat says "Well, as I was running out of the store I head the shopkeeper shouting, Hey, that's not-cho cheese"

[billyblue]

As I sat in a packed pub today, having a drink, minding my own business, I felt someone touch me from behind, at first I thought it was someone brushing past going to the bar, but then I felt a soft hand slide up my back, it came round my shoulder and felt for my buttons....

I thought " This ought to be good" Then the other hand came round my waist, soft as silk, my buttons were undone, one by one....

I never looked around but i could smell expensive aftershave, and the soft touch said it all.

As the last button was undone I turned to face this mysterious person....

It was Enda Kenny trying to take the shirt off my back...!!

[Survivor]

Two brooms were hanging in the cupboard and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,

'I think I am going to have a little broom.'

'Impossible,' said the groom broom.
'We haven't even swept together.'

[Survivor]

A young couple was married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's THAT?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement asked, "Is that all we have left?"

[Survivor]

My wife has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair...!!!

[Survivor]

A man spends all night drinking at a pub. When it’s time to go he stands up and falls flat on his face, so he decides to crawl outside in the hope the fresh air will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls over, so he has to crawl the half-mile to his house. When he gets home he manages to prop himself upright so he can unlock the front door, then falls on his face again and crawls up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries to stand one last time but collapses and falls fast asleep. The next morning he’s woken by his wife’s shouting, ‘You’ve been out on the booze again, haven’t you!’ ‘What makes you says that?’ asks the man. ‘Don’t bother to lie about it!’ shout his wife. ‘The pub rang, you left your wheelchair behind again!

[Survivor]

Broccoli Casserole
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her
nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost
making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to
relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father
looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair,
and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her
face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer
rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A
few minutes later the woman had to let another rip.
This time she didn't even think about it.

She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
'Skippy, get away from her, before she
shits on you!