wanna hear a joke

[Survivor]

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, ...shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

[Survivor]

Wee Billy from Glesga tried his utmost to look cool.

His friend told him that he needed a pair of good designer trainers to go with his shell suit.

Billy saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from returning his empty Ginger bottles and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.

Strutting down the street, Billy called out to all the passers by "Check oot ma new trainers pal? Stonkin, eh?"

One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that while they were indeed a fine pair of trainers, was young Billy aware that, "Ye've no' done up the laces on wan o' them".

Billy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace on one trainer, and that on the sole of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to do so.

When asked for proof of this instruction, Billy took off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.

"There y'are! Clear as day it says......

Taiwan !!!!!"

[Survivor]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging
two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,
"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd
better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get
all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard
is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to reallytick me off. Kills the
flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the
best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I
surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy!
Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing.
"OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

[Survivor]

Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'". All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios

[Survivor]

My girlfriend was screaming at me.

"Leave!! Get out this house!" she ordered.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied, "Wait, so you want me to stay?

[Survivor]

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $1,000 in a safety competition. ''What are you going to do with the prize money?'' the officer asked. The man responded, ''I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license.'' At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, ''Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart ass when he's drunk.'' This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, ''I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car.'' At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked ''Are we over the border yet?'

[Survivor]

A private school recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

[Survivor]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he brings a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string and places them on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... so does she.

[Survivor]

A young Italian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

The Italian mother replies "I don't like her.

[Survivor]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
“Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said. The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. ” I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”
“I know”, said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?